Entries Tagged 'Forgiving Infidelity' ↓

Marriage and infidelity; overcoming this heartbreaking combination seems like an impossible task for many and with good reason. The bitterness, the fear, the anger and the distrust that are unleashed upon a marriage where an affair rears its ugly head is nothing short of disastrous to a marriage and most simply end it because they cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel … or refuse it can possible exist.

I disagree that marriages cannot survive infidelity however a there is within all of us a god given ability to forgive and love, and also an ability to change who we are and how we see the world and our relationships. As such cheaters can change their tune and the victims of their affairs can learn to forgive and love without reproach again. I can not lie though, this is not easy for most. It can however be done if you do it right and keep an open mind. So if you are the victim of an affair who wants to keep the marriage together and learn to trust and love again or if you are the one who had the affair and wants to turn over a new leaf; read on.

Compensation & Forgiveness

As I mentioend before, humans has an amazing god given ability to be extremely forgiving of the greatest sins. This does not mean we can always do this however and it does not mean we are all saints of patience and turning the other cheek. It does however mean we have the ability to move on and live a better life without the past bothering us and destroying our future.

I do not believe that most people can forgive easily though. There must be some compensation given from the perptrator of the affair or there will be no sense of real aplogy or remorse of the events. With real tangible remorse and willingness to show change comes a form of emotional compensation. Such things as taking real steps to never see the lover again by changing jobs or doing whatever is nessecary to show remorse and willingness to build a marriage again. Only through actions of compensation can forgiveness start. You and your spouse should sit down and discuss this.

Understanding

Hearing the details of an affair is like having someone turn the knife that is already stuck through your heart. Despite this, knowing how and why and affair started, continued and why it is ending (hopfully) is essential to the healing process. Without the knoweldge of all of these things the affair remains a mystery, the problems with your spouse and within your marriage may still remain to caue further problems. It will also be harder to achieve forgiveness ebcause you cannot fathom what you are really forgiving …

You must control your emotions and discuss with yoru parnter these things without laying blame and without devolvign into an argument. This was where I found it most difficult, just eharing about the faair made my blood boil and I could never sit through one of our scheduled “chats” on the subject without yelling and storming out. Control your emotions and find out the real reasons behind this infidelity an you can begin to heal properly.

Overcoming Resentment

One big problem that sinks marriages after infidelity is lingering resentment. even if you think you have an udnerstanding of teh affair and have forgiven the cheating to a large degree the memory of your spouse in the arms of another lover can haunt you for years unless you can reject the resentment that builds inside you.

This is again not an easy thing. Some people are more adept at remembering these things while others can move on more easily. This difference is usually in an attitude that some people carry with them. Those that dwell on the past will of course be more effected by resentment while those with a more forward facing outlook on life may never forget but can forgive because of one important difference, they believe the past is gone and cannot harm you anymore. The only thing that now matters is buildging a better brighter future.

If you focus on change and moving forward you can coem to the realisation that veryone can change, including yoruself and your spouse and the future can only be held hostage by the past if YOU let it! Now this part only comes after you have rebuilt trust of course but once you have that back you can become a better and less resentful person.

For more information on how to rebuild this trust and the important things you MUST do before you try to understand the affair I highly recommend Frank Gunzburg’s amazing e-book on marriage, infidelity & overcoming it.

How to Survive an Affair

Just how does one go about putting marriage back together after infidelity? As the title of this suggests I believe that love does have the power to do this but only if it is given a chance to shine which is the hard part.

Before we can delve into this much further, just what is love? Perhaps this is the eternal question that can never be truly answered but we all know it when we feel it. Love, if you have to quantify it, is about a deep sense of care and affection for the other person. It is about really wanting them to be happy but not at the expense of your own happiness. It is about wanting to grow together and to become closer spiritually. Many may completely disagree or think this is too simplistic but at its heart this si what I personally believe.

Now you may have questioned what love is if you found your spouse cheated on you. If you are the cheating party looking to patch things up after your infidelity you might also be reassessing what love is (maybe in a better way). In the end though you need to work out what it means to you and hang onto that through the emotional turmoil as a touchstone.

What I mean is that all the terrible thoughts that you have, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger and the sadness can all be transient and all pass once you go through these stages as we all must. What is important is they do not corrupt your love, if you want your marriage to work you must love your partner. You may not be happy with them, you may even think you HATE them … but it is amazing how we can both love and hate people at the same time. Hatred cannot be sustained though and love can.

So before you take action, find that core of love through your emotional tangle. Really look hard and if it is there latch onto it hard! If you cannot find it … perhaps the infidelity was too great. I believe that putting your marriage back together has to come with love though and not logical pragmatism as love holds the keys to forgiveness, happiness and success.

Again, I highly recommend Frank Gunzburgs Guide to Surviving an affair if you want to now more about saving your marriage from infidelity if you are the victim or the perpetrator. It has very practical advice you can follow unlike my piece here where I simply wanted to voice an opinion (but an important one!)

Forgiving infidelity sounds like it can be the most difficult thing in the world. The hurt of an affair, the loss of trust, the betrayal of the love you swore to each other and the feeling that you will never be able to trust this person again all conspire to leave this act of cheating a festering wound in your relationship that can poison your marriage and lead to divorce.

To forgive infidelity however is possible, but it is not something you can do like switching a light on or off. It takes time and it is different for everyone because every affair is different and everyone has different ways of working towards the psychological stage of forgiveness which is when you do not forget, but it is no longer negatively influencing your life .. or your marriage.

I would say that forgiveness IS the hardest part of marriage after infidelity as m,any couples can rebuild a marriage and even learn to love and trust again but many people can never fully learn to forgive so whenever an argument breaks out (as often happens in any marriage!) th first fallback position is to bring up the affair again.

This is not healthy nor is it constructive so tackling the forgiveness issue needs to be done no matter how hard it seems.

This can only be done by having a keen understanding of the affair, knowing exactly why your spouse cheated on you which is painful to hear but it like piercing a festering wound so that the healing can take place.

Then it comes down to communication and dedicated time to solving issues raised from that painful conversation. Gently you can work your way back to a Forgiving Infidelity in a  loving, trusting relationship because you know the reasons behind the affair can be fixed and because your relationship had been laid open and bare before each other and god … the ultimate in forgiveness.

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