Dealing with infidelity in your marriage is not an easy path. I know from experience that your best laid plans can be torn apart at any moment when heated emotions get involved.
This has given me a long list of things NOT to do because I have done a number of these and each one set back my marriage even further. Looking at it again I have to say that I am surprised I am still with my wife now because we were both such fools back then. I must thank Frank Gunzburg again for his amazing guide to surviving infidelity.
1.Yell and Scream – Never EVER get into a yelling match. It is the easiest thing to do and you are angry and they are defensive and a simple conversation can turn ugly and then all bets are off. Obviously this never helps but why do we always end up doing it? Often it is because the other party starts it … then it escalates. However knowing how to end a conversation before it gets to this stage will help a great deal with fixing your marriage after infidelity.
2. Forcing Apologies – If you are the victim in this sometimes you will feel a powerful desire to have your husband or your wife to BEG you for forgiveness. You will want them to confess everything and say they were wrong and everything they did was completely their fault and make you feel like you have won somehow. This is a dangerous thought. There are no winners in an affair and forgiveness … true meaningful forgiveness will come in time. Trying to force it will simply make them bitter and angry and may push them simply to leave.
3. Beg Them - The opposite end to this is begging the cheater to stay if they are still involved in the affair or are simply deciding whether they can handle staying in a marriage anymore. If you want the marriage to work and you are fearful of them leaving even when you might also loathe them for their actions begging and pleading is the wrong way to go about it. IT can also be incredibly hard to stop yourself from doing this when you are so in love and also so hurt so the emotions just roar to the surface coming out in tears and phrases like “Please don’t go”, “Think of the children” and so forth. You need strength now to fix this and begging often makes them feel more guilty and so they run rather than facing it right now.
4. Plot Revenge - I never did this but I heard of a lot of people and a lot of websites even ENCOURAGING people to take vengeance on their cheating partners. Even if you don’t want to make your marriage work this is a bad idea. Giving in to vengeance can never erase what happened and it does not make you really feel better. It just makes you a sadistic person who may now have trouble trusting others later on. Going through the grieving process without taunts or acts of revenge will make you a better person and can save your marriage too.
I might come back with some more of these ways NOT to deal with infidelity in your marriage but that’s all I can think of at the moment. For how you SHOULD deal with an affair see the e-book I recommend on this site by Frank Gunzburg a marriage counsellor of 30 years experience.
