If your marriage is at crisis point because of an affair then saving marriage after infidelity should be your first course of action. I firmly believe that 99% of all marriages can and should be saved from divorce and can grow stronger as a result.
The first thing that must be done however is stopping the destructive cycle that most couples enter into after infidelity occurs. This is a trap of anger, resentment and regret that is perfectly understandable but is also poisonous and not constructive in any way. Here are three tips that I used to get back on a course of healing and rebuilding of trust after my wife cheated on me.
1. Temper Control
It is only natural to feel angry at your partner for their actions but you need to ask yourself ‘is this going to save my marriage?’ every time you open your mouth. As soon as you lose your temper and get angry or bitter and lash out against your spouse you have just lost an opportunity to heal the rift.
It is an instinct designed to hurt them and make yourself feel better for just a moment.;the primal act of revenge. However what it does is distance yourself from your partner even further, makes them feel more guilty and also more angry towards YOU even if they were the one who had the affair!
In short, if you want to get to the point where you can communicate your anger and hurt in a constructive way that allows you to mend the rift at least a little you must control your temper. Think before you speak, never raise your voice and if you are simply too angry to even talk just say this line: “I cannot talk with you at the moment. We will talk about it later but not now.” … then go for a walk, get out of their way and cool down.
2. Delve into the Affair
Only take this step once you know how to communicate without getting angry! It may sound strange to talk about the one that is destroying your marriage but it must be done. If you ignore the affair and try to forget it then it will fester beneath the surface of your marriage forever and in the end it will come to divorce or a long and unhappy marriage.
You must understand the reasons behind your partners betrayal to be able to work on the problems in your relationship that led to this event. You must understand before you can ever truly forgive … you will never forget, but you can forgive by being close to your partners emotions.
Ask your partner about the details of the affair and never judge or interrupt or get angry (externally at least) when doing this and you will go a long way to saving marriage after infidelity.
EDIT: It forgot to mention one thing when I first wrote this. While this is essential if you try to undertake this BEFORE you fix some other issues this will fail!
9 comments ↓
please this will give me advice in my marriage and in the communicating process it take to speak in confidence thank god for this .
can this advise still be used if the affair is still happening albeit at a much lower intensity?
Hi az,
I think it can – though abviously it is going to be even more difficult if your partner is still involved. They migth be even more defensive or aggressive.
However the virtues of patience, emotional control and a sincere willignness to understand why they are doing this to find a way back – yes these are things that can be applied still.
Check out Dr Frank Gunzburgs book i recommend here if you want to know moe as it is a deleicate situation and he does cover this in more detail.
Hi George,
I am so remorseful for my shameful actions. After twelve months my husband brings it up if he feels unhappy about something that I have done, and I am trying to be patient, but i can’t help but walk out of the room when he tells me what a low life I am. I am trying to save the marriage but am having trouble doing so on my own and also being contionually punished when i am trying to self improve. What can i do to show my husband how sincere I am? I don’t want the marriage to end.
Hi Saddenned,
This is a difficult place to be that is for sure. Your husband has a core of resentment in his being that can only be removed when he learns to forgive. This is not much help for you though as HE needs to take these actions.
That being said you can help these things along, the walking out of the room and retaliating is exactly what he wants as it fuels his sense of self righteousness. One thing to defuse these little confrontations is to let these things wash over you and take the barrage without getting angry or defensive – but also without breaking down.
In most situations the attacks will stop pretty quick when they realise they are not having the desired impact. From there you can talk about things more calmly.
As always I recommend Franks e-book which explains things in ways that I simply cannot in this space or with my more limited knowledge.
Forgiveness can be achieved but I will not lie and say it is quick and easy – it does take time and effort but if you know how to control yourself and the situation you will take steps towards the happier life you want.
Kind Regards,
George
There is not one person on the Earth that has never made a mistake in his/her life… we need to Forgive to be Forgiven. People make mistakes and learn from them. When a person asks for forgiveness, you should forgive them, because one day you might be the one that is asking for the same thing. In this particular issue, Infidelity in Marriages, it is hard to make smart decisions when it comes to forgiving such an act. It is true that it might be forgiven but it will never be forgotten…but the key of a saving your marriage after infidelity is not to let the issue bother you for the rest of your life. For example, I have a friend that his spouse was cheating on him, but his love for her helped him to forgive her for what she had done to him, but it did not work out well on the end. The reason for their separation was, even though his spouse tried her best to change and prove to him that she had changed, he would always go back to the time when she was cheating on him and fill himself with anger and bad thoughts whenever she was not at home. This led to a separation. If a person truly wants to save his/or marriage after infidelity, the solution is not only just to say that you forgive that person and not to leave him/her, but to communicate with your partner and find out the reasons why he/she committed the act in order to save something you have already built with that person.
Very well said Kosarkarka.
Hi George,
I’ve learned a lot on this site, Thanks. Honestly,I’m in the process of healing and rebuilding my trust to my husband and I could say that it takes time to do it. I know everything in this world will be alright in God’s perfect time.
I’ll recommend this site to others through my blog. God bless(^_~)
Hi Lhors,
Thank you forthe kind words. I wish you the best of luck with your husband & marriage. God bless you
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