Just what are the real reasons for infidelity in marriage? We all have quite skewed opinions on this, but the more you delve into it the less clear cut it gets. The reality is often quite sad in fact, quite fraught with ordinary human frailty and wrong headed thinking rather than pure lust and ego.

This is a list I have compiled from my own research into the matter and I am convinced that men and women have basically the same reasons despite most people thinking that men do it out of lust alone.

• Cultural differences – Sometimes people’s backgrounds of culture or ethnicity are so far apart that there is a gap between them, a distance that seems impossible to cross. This can sometimes lead to one partner falling into something more culturally familiar and leads to an affair.
• Disappointment in partners growth – When we get together we do so because we share something and to begin with we grow together and in the same ways. Somewhere along the way however our growth as people can stagnate or change paths. Our personalities change and suddenly one day one partner cannot see the same lover they fell in love with.
• Unrealistic expectations – This one speaks for itself. What we perceive of marriage being like is often such a lofty ideal that the reality of hard work in a relationship becomes too much of a strain because of our unrealistic beliefs.
• Curiosity – As terrible as it sounds some people simply have to know if the grass is greener and are not satisfied until they know. Most tend to find it is not as good as they think and it ends at that but the temptation is always there.
• Lack of Fun – A lack of excitement and falling into a rut can drive most people crazy. This is easy to remedy in most cases but sometimes communication breaks down so much that this can be a tipping point when an exciting person enters their life that can lead to infidelity in marriage.
• Lack of physical intimacy – Despite what most women think this is the same for both genders in many cases. Physical intimacy is a part of marriage and love and is not simply lust driven but acceptance driven. Being intimate and fulfilled in that regard is essential to a good marriage and when this falters it can spark very bad thoughts in some men and women who seek it elsewhere to fill the hole.
• Unable to accommodate a partner’s needs or expectations – Sometimes a relationship is hard and if you cannot accommodate certain needs or expectations of your partner they might see opportunities elsewhere.
• Poor Communication – So many problems can be solved by talking them through and communicating clearly the needs and desires that should be in a marriage. Sometimes this communication either never existed or broke down somewhere along the way driving them to someone else who could provide what they felt is missing.

You see, I believe that it is rarely that a man cheats on his wife just because his young 20 year old secretary has a tiny waist. It is rare that the poolboy just has such a hard toned body that a woman gives in to him and creates Infidelity in Marriage. These cases may happen but they are usually in the realms of Hollywood and their desire to show the bad guy/girl and not the real emotional drive behind such a thing.

Knowing the reasons behind the affair is a very important thing also. Without knowledge of why they did such a thing your mind will invent reasons and you will chase your own tail and cause all sorts of drama. Understanding brings a level of acceptance which allows healing to begin.  It can be hard to get this out of your spouse however as they might know always really understand themselves either!

For more information on this subject check the e-book guide I recommend on this site. Click below to find out more.

Surviving the Affair

Can a marriage survive infidelity? You might be wondering as you sit there thinking about your future, the future of your marriage and the meaning of love and commitment. The easy answer is to say YES a marriage CAN survive infidelity … however this does not mean all marriage can do this or should do this even.

I of course encourage everyone living in a marriage after infidelity to try to make things work but I do understand that everyone’s situation is different. Some marriage perhaps should not be saved for the betterment of both partners and some infidelities are so far beyond the pale that the pain may be too great. However, I believe these are the minority of cases and not the overwhelming majority as most people seem to think.

Really what determines the success of a marriage after an affair is the ability to understand not only your partner’s actions but also your own emotions, actions and your marriage up until this point. The affair never exists in a vacuum and while this does not mean you have any fault in it knowing the reasons behind it really makes the difference when deciding whether to take on this challenge and fix your marriage, or to call it quits.

I would say that the chances of overcoming infidelity I a marriage if you can understand everything surrounding it and you still want to find a way to make it work and heal the hurt and anger is quite high. Certainly if you do the right things and learn to handle your emotions and get a deeper understanding the success rate becomes higher and higher. If this desire to make your marriage endure is also driven by a love that exists despite the betrayal then the chances rise even further.

What makes these attempts fail is lack of understanding, lack of control and lack of direction and purpose. I had all of these things when I first tried to patch things up with my wife after her affair but managed to pull back from the brink despite my many mistakes.

So if you are encourages and think that your marriage is still worth saving then I applaud you because love CAN overcome and marriage CAN survive infidelity. For more help on how to get through this touch period though I do recommend hearing from an expert in the field. Dr Frank Gunzburg is one such man … his guide will not guarantee you will save your marriage but it will help you increase your chances at lasting happiness by a huge amount.

Surviving an Affair

Dealing with infidelity in your marriage is not an easy path. I know from experience that your best laid plans can be torn apart at any moment when heated emotions get involved.

This has given me a long list of things NOT to do because I have done a number of these and each one set back my marriage even further. Looking at it again I have to say that I am surprised I am still with my wife now because we were both such fools back then. I must thank Frank Gunzburg again for his amazing guide to surviving infidelity.

1.Yell and Scream – Never EVER get into a yelling match. It is the easiest thing to do and you are angry and they are defensive and a simple conversation can turn ugly and then all bets are off. Obviously this never helps but why do we always end up doing it? Often it is because the other party starts it … then it escalates. However knowing how to end a conversation before it gets to this stage will help a great deal with fixing your marriage after infidelity.

2. Forcing Apologies – If you are the victim in this sometimes you will feel a powerful desire to have your husband or your wife to BEG you for forgiveness. You will want them to confess everything and say they were wrong and everything they did was completely their fault and make you feel like you have won somehow. This is a dangerous thought. There are no winners in an affair and forgiveness … true meaningful forgiveness will come in time. Trying to force it will simply make them bitter and angry and may push them simply to leave.

3. Beg Them - The opposite end to this is begging the cheater to stay if they are still involved in the affair or are simply deciding whether they can handle staying in a marriage anymore. If you want the marriage to work and you are fearful of them leaving even when you might also loathe them for their actions begging and pleading is the wrong way to go about it. IT can also be incredibly hard to stop yourself from doing this when you are so in love and also so hurt so the emotions just roar to the surface coming out in tears and phrases like “Please don’t go”, “Think of the children” and so forth. You need strength now to fix this and begging often makes them feel more guilty and so they run rather than facing it right now.

4. Plot Revenge - I never did this but I heard of a lot of people and a lot of websites even ENCOURAGING people to take vengeance on their cheating partners. Even if you don’t want to make your marriage work this is a bad idea. Giving in to vengeance can never erase what happened and it does not make you really feel better. It just makes you a sadistic person who may now have trouble trusting others later on. Going through the grieving process without taunts or acts of revenge will make you a better person and can save your marriage too.

I might come back with some more of these ways NOT to deal with infidelity in your marriage but that’s all I can think of at the moment. For how you SHOULD deal with an affair see the e-book I recommend on this site by Frank Gunzburg a marriage counsellor of 30 years experience.

Surviving The Affair

Just how does one go about putting marriage back together after infidelity? As the title of this suggests I believe that love does have the power to do this but only if it is given a chance to shine which is the hard part.

Before we can delve into this much further, just what is love? Perhaps this is the eternal question that can never be truly answered but we all know it when we feel it. Love, if you have to quantify it, is about a deep sense of care and affection for the other person. It is about really wanting them to be happy but not at the expense of your own happiness. It is about wanting to grow together and to become closer spiritually. Many may completely disagree or think this is too simplistic but at its heart this si what I personally believe.

Now you may have questioned what love is if you found your spouse cheated on you. If you are the cheating party looking to patch things up after your infidelity you might also be reassessing what love is (maybe in a better way). In the end though you need to work out what it means to you and hang onto that through the emotional turmoil as a touchstone.

What I mean is that all the terrible thoughts that you have, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger and the sadness can all be transient and all pass once you go through these stages as we all must. What is important is they do not corrupt your love, if you want your marriage to work you must love your partner. You may not be happy with them, you may even think you HATE them … but it is amazing how we can both love and hate people at the same time. Hatred cannot be sustained though and love can.

So before you take action, find that core of love through your emotional tangle. Really look hard and if it is there latch onto it hard! If you cannot find it … perhaps the infidelity was too great. I believe that putting your marriage back together has to come with love though and not logical pragmatism as love holds the keys to forgiveness, happiness and success.

Again, I highly recommend Frank Gunzburgs Guide to Surviving an affair if you want to now more about saving your marriage from infidelity if you are the victim or the perpetrator. It has very practical advice you can follow unlike my piece here where I simply wanted to voice an opinion (but an important one!)