Marriage and infidelity; overcoming this heartbreaking combination seems like an impossible task for many and with good reason. The bitterness, the fear, the anger and the distrust that are unleashed upon a marriage where an affair rears its ugly head is nothing short of disastrous to a marriage and most simply end it because they cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel … or refuse it can possible exist.
I disagree that marriages cannot survive infidelity however a there is within all of us a god given ability to forgive and love, and also an ability to change who we are and how we see the world and our relationships. As such cheaters can change their tune and the victims of their affairs can learn to forgive and love without reproach again. I can not lie though, this is not easy for most. It can however be done if you do it right and keep an open mind. So if you are the victim of an affair who wants to keep the marriage together and learn to trust and love again or if you are the one who had the affair and wants to turn over a new leaf; read on.
Compensation & Forgiveness
As I mentioend before, humans has an amazing god given ability to be extremely forgiving of the greatest sins. This does not mean we can always do this however and it does not mean we are all saints of patience and turning the other cheek. It does however mean we have the ability to move on and live a better life without the past bothering us and destroying our future.
I do not believe that most people can forgive easily though. There must be some compensation given from the perptrator of the affair or there will be no sense of real aplogy or remorse of the events. With real tangible remorse and willingness to show change comes a form of emotional compensation. Such things as taking real steps to never see the lover again by changing jobs or doing whatever is nessecary to show remorse and willingness to build a marriage again. Only through actions of compensation can forgiveness start. You and your spouse should sit down and discuss this.
Understanding
Hearing the details of an affair is like having someone turn the knife that is already stuck through your heart. Despite this, knowing how and why and affair started, continued and why it is ending (hopfully) is essential to the healing process. Without the knoweldge of all of these things the affair remains a mystery, the problems with your spouse and within your marriage may still remain to caue further problems. It will also be harder to achieve forgiveness ebcause you cannot fathom what you are really forgiving …
You must control your emotions and discuss with yoru parnter these things without laying blame and without devolvign into an argument. This was where I found it most difficult, just eharing about the faair made my blood boil and I could never sit through one of our scheduled “chats” on the subject without yelling and storming out. Control your emotions and find out the real reasons behind this infidelity an you can begin to heal properly.
Overcoming Resentment
One big problem that sinks marriages after infidelity is lingering resentment. even if you think you have an udnerstanding of teh affair and have forgiven the cheating to a large degree the memory of your spouse in the arms of another lover can haunt you for years unless you can reject the resentment that builds inside you.
This is again not an easy thing. Some people are more adept at remembering these things while others can move on more easily. This difference is usually in an attitude that some people carry with them. Those that dwell on the past will of course be more effected by resentment while those with a more forward facing outlook on life may never forget but can forgive because of one important difference, they believe the past is gone and cannot harm you anymore. The only thing that now matters is buildging a better brighter future.
If you focus on change and moving forward you can coem to the realisation that veryone can change, including yoruself and your spouse and the future can only be held hostage by the past if YOU let it! Now this part only comes after you have rebuilt trust of course but once you have that back you can become a better and less resentful person.
For more information on how to rebuild this trust and the important things you MUST do before you try to understand the affair I highly recommend Frank Gunzburg’s amazing e-book on marriage, infidelity & overcoming it.
